About Pen

To get more of a narrative/emotional idea of me and my body’s past, check out the scribbles.

BW Beach
The Blogger

A young woman in her late-twenties who has been through various kinds of abuse and stressful upbringing.

The child abuse was partly sexual (see this entry), but not incestuous or ritualistic. She also dealt with extreme emotional and psychological dismissal by her father (outlined here and here).
She’s been in and out of hospitals (for physical and mental-health reasons) and spent a stint in a psych ward that was severely damaging (written about here).

Due to her mostly high-functioning ability, most doctors were hesitant at first to diagnosis her with anything further than Borderline Personality Disorder or manic depressive disorder.  Her highly logical and legal-background mind lends itself to hiding many things from mainstream society.

The official dxs (diagnoses) thus far are:
-clinical depression
-autoimmune disorder (including dermatomyositis)


Pen is the collective name I use for my whole system.  I used to talk about all my alters and list them individually on this page, but I want to seem more cohesive.

I’ve been mostly co-conscious lately and I though I still split into just one facet of the DID part of me, I try to focus on the co-conscious side for my own health.

I am still struggling with my eating disorder a lot (sometimes personified by the alter Victoria).  I haven’t gotten rid of the description of my alters- you can see it in the drop-down list right under the “About Me” heading.  I’m just not at a time in my life where it is healing to identify with collective pronouns anymore.  I’m sure it’ll slip out still occasionally.  I’m not “integrated” (I hate that word) by any means.

I’m still just trying to figure out who I am and not completely destroy this body I’ve been given in the process.

31 thoughts on “About Pen

    1. penpaperandcrazy Post author

      hi back!
      my name means “the prophetess”, which i really like (and has some truth). most of us didn’t have names until the body was in high school, then we got to sit down and each pick out our own name. i like that. for a long time we had name just based on what we were…well, mine was “the kid” and rika’s was “the protector”, stuff like that.
      of course, some of us go by nicknames now. roms is actually short for andromeda (like from greek mythology) and no one ever really calls claire, clarissa anymore.
      names are important to us. is it like that for your system too?

    1. Pen Post author

      Oh. I’ve never really done the whole award thing…I’ll check it out though.
      I’m very flattered by you thinking of me. Thank you!

  1. Lily

    Thank you for following Kidz Showz! Glad you appreciate a good walk down memory lane every so often.

    You sound like an extremely strong person to deal with the cards you were dealt. It’s good that you go to therapy and everything like that. My mom is a therapist so I understand the importance of it. Everyone needs therapy. Good for you for writing down your feelings and sharing them! 😀

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you for the encouraging thoughts!

      This blog is the first time I’ve really laid out those cards I’ve been dealt in an entirely honest form. I struggle every couple weeks with deleting the whole blog, but it’s brought me so many great new friends and supporting thoughts that outweigh any possible negativity!

      Welcome and much thanks again!

  2. donofalltrades

    Hi, I’m just a regular guy who stumbled on your page via your Fresh Press (nice job by the way!). I don’t fully understand your situation, but I like your writing and admire your strength and courage. I just wanted to wish you the best!

  3. A Renaissance Glow

    Keep writing, keep sharing, it helps provide clarity not only for you (even if brief glimpses through the fog) but for all of us finding your writings, Pen. Thank you, btw, you provided the inspiration for a name of a character I’ve been trying to figure out. Pen and Tag are the protagonists in a short story I’m working on about dream walking. Be well!

    1. Pen Post author

      Really?? I’m always happy to help a fellow writer 🙂 Character names are something I struggle with a lot in my own writing.

      Warm thoughts to you as well!

  4. hsears5


    I think I just read through your entire blog in just a few hours. I would say thank you for keeping me occupied, but that sounds very diminishing of your struggles. I guess the right thing to say would be thank you for giving me (and all your readers) a glimpse into a very personal, private and unique struggle. Keep writing (all of you) and keep pushing forward.

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank very much for your kind thoughts. And I’m happy to have been able to pass the time for you with interest. Sometimes I wonder how interesting my blog seems to others since it’s such a personal one.

      Warm thoughts

  5. kat

    i saw on your blog you are a displaced Chicago native currently in small town Iowa. that just caught my eye, cause i spent most of my life between Chicago and Des Moines or Iowa City. and now i’ve ended up in Az. out of curiosity, which area of Iowa are you in?

    1. Pen Post author

      Iowa?? O_O

      Lol, I’m not sure what gave that impression but I do not live in Iowa. I live in the Midwest. I’m in Ohio, actually.

      Not that there’s anything wrong with Iowa 😉 I’ve never been there actually.

      Arizona is actually one of the states I’ve been considering moving to. I have this weird idea that the Southwest is something I’d enjoy.

      1. kat

        lol! i sometimes forget there are other states in the midwest! i find arizona to be pleasant. the climate is much nicer than the midwest, most of the year. however the politics are quite conserative for the most part. a trade off i guess. but i would never go back to cold cold winters!

      2. Pen Post author

        Ohio is super conservative, so I’m hoping it can’t be worse. Although I’m thinking New Mexico. They have a large Pagan-influenced population.

        Yeah, my health and immune system hates Ohio’s weather. I think a dryer, warmer, more pleasant climate might be helpful for me.

      3. kat

        yes the constant sun here has helped me alot. plus you can always get out and go, no sloppy roads or cars to scrape. new mexico is quite a bit more liberal–if i could ever get the money to move, thats where id go (or california or colorado maybe)

  6. Storm

    Looking forward to following your blog. I too am high-functioning and very discreet about my DID. Struggling to make sense of who I am and glad to read about other’s experience.

    1. Pen Post author

      Welcome! Yeah, I get a lot of weird looks when I say I consider myself “high-functioning DID”. It is an unusual way to go about it. We should have a secret handshake or something 😉

      Warm thoughts to you

  7. lethalmeans

    I’ve been poking about the blog recently and I’m very glad I found it as odd as that might sound, you’re blog shows a lot of strength and courage and I adore reading it so far! I’m a fan of the openness blogs bring out and I hope that regardless of what you are going through you trust that your words have touched and helped at least this one person!

    Thanks for sharing!

    1. Pen Post author

      Haha, you’re allowed to be glad. There’s a nice solidarity and camaraderie among mental-health bloggers. Even if the blogs aren’t necessarily all sunshine and kittens, it still helps to know you aren’t alone.
      And you aren’t.

      I really appreciate you stopping by and I’m very glad my words have touched you. It is the best I could hope for my blog 🙂

      Warm thoughts ❤

  8. Alessia

    We are happy to find other people like us so easily. I think it helps to know we’re not alone and some of things we experience as a system is alike in some aspects to others.

    1. Pen Post author

      Welcome! That is the best feeling I found in the world of mental-health blogging as well: We are Not Alone!

      Warm thoughts!

  9. swtswtsue

    Deary Pen – I’ve nominated you for a Liebster Award. I’m sure you’ve been nominated for this award a number of times, and rightly so. However, I think you’re lovely, and so very well-deserving of being nominated at least one more time. No worries if it’s not your thing. Totally understandable. But if you’re interested and want to follow through with the process, all the good stuff can be found right here: http://www.suenoel.com/what-an-honor/ It doesn’t matter either way, though – just know I am thinking of you, my dear. ❤


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