This is another lazy post mostly for ourselves.
But if you happened to be curious about the dynamic between my best friend, Germany, and myself, then continue by all means.
She did a fantastic job of pulling me out of my funk, as per usual. And she’s super witty and hilarious and will probably make you smile too.
(FYI, This is all through a chat service)
(I apologize for Germany’s mouth and nastiness. She gets….extremely mean about people who upset me. We’re like sisters. It’s how it goes. Oh. She also has absolutely no tact. None.)
me: Are you doing okay? I had a scary dream about you last night. I don’t remember most of it, but I woke up feeling really worried about you
Germany: Actually, yeah. Yesterday was stressful but today I’m walking on sunshine and rainbows. Sorry you had a scary dream. I didn’t mean that sarcastically, I promise.
I have two job opportunities that fell into my lap. Now I gotta choose. So I’m out of my mind happy.
me: Oh good, I’m glad. I did think you were being sarcastic for a moment, so thanks for the clarification. Lol.
Was the scary-ness just the lack of job opportunities?
Germany: Nope I had to take a test. To see if I am smart enough to do the job. It took an hour and a half, it was timed, it was all in German, and I couldn’t retake it at all. Technical, hard German.
me: Is this the eye-doctor’s office thing?
Germany: Nope. Hörgerätakustikerin.
me: …..yeah, my Deutsch ain’t that good
Germany: Making hearing aids for old people. I don’t know the ‘merican name for that.
me: Ah. Sounds…interesting. So would your job be more factory or administrative?
Germany: Not really factory so much as laboratory, and it would be a little of sales too. Like, someone comes in and needs a hearing aid, I help them out and make it for ’em. I fit it to their ears and make sure it works and shit.
me: Ahhhh. Cool. Gotcha. You’re good at shouting too.
Germany: Har har…I’m hoping for more lab time though because I’m still hesitant about my German skills
me: I see. Well, maybe this’ll fast-track your improvement. Soon you’ll be super-fluent. But only at slightly above normal volume of speaking. Like, CAN I HELP YOU?
Germany: I talk above normal anyways. I’m a noisy American. Americans are THE loudest people
me: True. You’d be like: NO, WE ONLY HAVE IT IN GRAY.
Germany: Who wears gray hearing aids?
me: I dunno. I guess it would be flesh color.
ONLY IN FLESH COLOR. NOT GRAY. I WAS MISTAKEN.
Germany: Yeah. If they need gray, they’re dead
me: It would match their hair
me: For the ladies
Germany: Sooo fashionable nowadays with other geezers
me: I mean, the ladies hair could like, hide it and shit. Miss you.
Germany: I miss you too
me: So that Terra chick is a jerk. The chick you briefly heard on Skype last week
Germany: Yeah. How was she a bitch?
me: When Zoe was climbing on her and trying to be friendly, she goes “She doesn’t seem to want to sit with you. Is she climbing on and licking me because I actually have boobs?”
me: Seriously. I’m not fucking exaggerating. You can ask Texas.
Germany: What does that even have to do with anything? I mean, why the fuck would dogs care?
me: Terra’s like, really curvy and that’s why she has boobs (look at me even now trying to not be rude and call her fat), but do I say something about that back? No. And I have no fuckin’ clue what that has to do with ANYTHING or dogs.
Germany: You should’ve. Should’ve said, “Maybe she’s just confusing you for the Pilsbury Dough Woman… or Aunt Jemima”. BAHAHAHA! Get it? Cos she’s black?
me: …Aunt Jemima? That’s ridic. But sorta hilarious. You are terrible.
Germany: Yes. And not ridic. Gotta put jerks in their place. Fight fire with maple syrup.
me: Well, I left early and texted Texas to please not invite Terra over anymore when we’re having our girl-time. I didn’t even know Terra was going to come over…
Germany: Yeah. I’d have ditched. I’d have left with ya and gotten Starbuuuuuuuuuuuucks. And made you try to get lost. Which we would fail. And get home by dark. And laugh ourselves silly. And by dark I mean after dark.
me: Hahaha. All that driving around and getting lost apparently has actually improved my sense of direction. I was directing SD all over Kettering flawlessly the other day. I miss that. I have no other friends who like just driving around and shit. For the hell of it.
Germany: That’s how I roll. Givin bitches a mini me inside of em. Only, ya know, not the fetus kind of me. Just the map thing.
me: ….mini you is freaky.
Germany: which one? fetal one or map one? Either way, I’m thinking of “Alien”.
me: Sure. Both. Both are freaky. One is slightly less.
Germany: IMMA EXPLODE OUTCHA CHEST. REEEEEEAAARRRRR!
* skitter skitter skitter*
* acid spit*
me: Lol. Maybe that’s why the dream about you freaked me out. You were an alium.
me: Hm. Not sure how to spell my pronunciation.
Germany: uh…ayeleeuhm? aaaayleeeummm? 😀 What else is neeeeeeew?
me: Uhhhh. I officially live at SD’s now. It’s weird.
Germany: DID YOU FUCK JEFF YET? Ahem. I mean, how’s it going with Jeff?
me: -snort- Between you and Texas, I swear…
She offered to leave me condoms at her place when I mentioned I may watch movies there with Jeff while pet-sitting. Anyway, yesterday was the worse day ever.
Germany: Hahahahahahahahaha. Texas is awesome. Anyways. Worst day ever.
me: First of all, Saturday was Family Fun Day at Cedar Point for the bro’s bday. It was awful because I hate being at amusements parks (without you).
Germany: Of course
me: So I’m all grumpy about that. Plus it was a long ass drive and I didn’t get home until like, 2am. So I wake up late Sunday. The day I’m supposed to move my furniture to SD’s (I’ve been sleeping on a futon). But I feel shitty, and SD is feeling meh, and Jeff wants to hang out and I haven’t seen him in awhile. So I decide we should get lunch together and then pick up my bathroom shiz and some work clothes and that’s it.
I text Army to make sure he’s clothed after we finish lunch. SD has never met Army. It was fucking weird. He was all weird and I think he was pissed off. I dunno. It was weird.
Germany: Was it weird? It seems that you thought it was weird? Soooooo weird.
me: Har har. Anyway, we get my shit and GTFO back to SD’s place, watch some movies, then I drop Jeff off. Fast forward to Monday. I’m still feeling blah from the weekend.
I remember that Monday evening is a PNO (Pagan’s night out), this social thingy-ma-bob-er. I haven’t been all Pagan social since Stalker-mc-creepy-douchebag has been all stalker-y. SD says she wants to go, Jeff said he’s interested so we decide to go.
We fucking forget it’s a fucking Monday night, which is the normal night for Stalker’s fucking circle thing. So he’s fucking there.
Germany: Stalker is period panties guy, right?
me: Yeah, he is.
And he’s all fucking creepy and talking to me about his (ex)wife trying to Facebook stalk him and SD and how she thinks SD means something to him. Like romantically. Obviously trying to get me jealous or something. So I’m like “k….”
And he’s like “We should get together. I have some PRIVATE things I need to discuss with you. Super important.”
I’m paraphrasing slightly to give an idea of how fucking creepy he comes across with the combination of his body language and words.
Germany: Of course. Either you’re going senile or you think I’M going senile. I remember how you work, silly.
me: So I skitter back to my table on the OTHER side of the room where Jeff and SD are. But now I’m fucking edgy and upset, so I need a goddamn smoke. So I go outside and start smoking. Jeff graciously follows to keep me company.
Germany: Good boy, Jeff
me: We chat while I totally hotbox a cig. Then FUCKING STALKER comes out all nonchalant and is like “Made me crave a cig. Ha ha I’m a douche.”
I try to ignore him and smoke faster. SD comes out and quietly asks if we want to leave and I’m like, “Totally. Let me finish this cig though since I’m driving and need some serious nicotine to process.”
Germany: Right on
me: Meanwhile, Stalker is glaring fucking daggers at Jeff, even though we aren’t standing close or anything or doing anything that would make him think we like, an item or anything.
Reminds me of fucking Katharine. Wants like, no penises to even look at me. Jesus.
Germany: You should’ve grabbed Jeff. All sexy-like. Seriously. Doesn’t matter what stage you guys are in.
me: That’s more a you thing…I suck at that shit.
Germany: Tap that card. Dude.
me: You mean…like sex? What if it’s terrible?
Germany: Oh my god. Fuck.
me: Oh god. But what if he’s totally expecting us to bone at Texas’?
Germany: That’s not even what I meant. I meant that Jeff is the kind of guy who would be more than willing to help you out of a situation like that with Stalker-Fuckface. Just explain beforehand and he’ll help ya out.
me: Oh. Never mind then. Ignore my manic turn of phrase.
Germany: Chill. We can address that in a mo.
me: So we leave PNO. Go back to SD’s. Start watching a movie. I’m still all upset (just too much stress building) and shaky, so I decide gin is a good idea (dunno why. I’m dumb). I drink some gin.
But since I’m stressed, exhausted, and have barely eaten in days, I get tipsy quick and fall into sleepy-drunk quick.
Jeff is again, super-gracious and is totally fine with me going to lie down. I worry about getting him home but SD is all like “I’ll do it. You go rest.” I’m like, cool. She’s a friend and shit.
So I wake up yesterday. Feeling like shit cause I slept like shit. Not quite hungover though. I’m woken by SD coming in to tell me I got a parking ticket because my plates are expired.
me: And I”m like “That’s totally impossible. I totally renewed those…wait. Shit. I was in and out and of the hospital that whole month. Fuck fuck fuck.”
Then SD launches into some long-winded thing about Jeff and dropping him off and talking to him for hours. She started saying how she talked about and figured out his mental state and psychology shit and how she thinks he’s an awesome guy and has similar mental issues to me and her.
me: And it sounds like exactly how she talked about Stalker before a buncha shit was revealed about my mental state and then used against me, and then Stalker was like “I have the same mental problems, so we’re like twinners!” because SD kept talking to him about [BPD and DID, and disassociation].
Now, this was before I realized what a complete creeper he was. I dunno. I’m dumb.
And I’m obviously not over the incident because I start getting really nervous and upset that she’s going to try and twist the psych stuff around again and Jeff’ll go for it because I have hang-ups and I’m not sure whether I can handle a relationship with a fellow broken person or not. Not to mention whether he’ll want that sort of baggage from me.
Germany: Jeff isn’t that kind of guy. Believe me. You could ask her nicely to back off the psych talk.
me: You assume I’m logical and shit. I did start to say something about that and she was all like “Jeff’s so much better than Stalker. I think he’ll make an awesome friend addition to our group.” And then I chickened out.
Germany: Yeah…. well….Jeff won’t use that brain-stuff against you.
me: I guess. I was pretty upset all yesterday morning. Ended up crying in my room like a dumbass because I already regret the corner I’ve painted myself into.
Germany: Sweetie, during most of the time you and I were on the out and outs and not talking, HE was the bestie until I came back from China. I know Jeff. No way he’d pull some bullshit like that. He’s had the opportunities, but he’s got integrity. If you’re that worried, bring it up with him.
me: I did.
Germany: And his reaction?
me: I actually was brave yesterday and bluntly told him all my dumb insecurities and how I wasn’t trying to seem crazy but I have certain issues I need to put on the table up front. He thanked me for being up front and said that he was glad I said something, so he could make sure to not make me feel a position of insecurity in the future.
Germany: Told ya
me: 😛 I knew he’d say something like that. I know what kind of guy he is. I just don’t know if he really just doesn’t realize what a complete fuck-up I am.
Germany: K-girl, shut your brain up for two seconds and let me talk… type… whatever.
me: …yes ma’am.
Germany: Have you ever, EVER heard me say anything REMOTELY close to “I trust (your love interest’s name here) completely in this instance.” EVER before? No. Why? Because I didn’t. Your previous relationships have all been scum bags and morons and evil people. So when I say that I trust Jeff to do what’s right with the person I love like my own sister, do you understand how important that is?
Because if he takes advantage of any situation that he knows would end up breaking your heart, hell will have frozen over or someone is threatening your life or his or his family’s or he’s lost his damn mind.
In which case I’ll kill him naturally. But the odds of that happening are slim.
You now have permission to respond.
me: I love you
Germany: I know
me: I’m trying not to get all Gilmore Girl teary-eyed at work.
me: I know you’re right (as always )
me: I’m obviously am such a fuck-up that I don’t even know how to handle a sane, normal, none-asshole person in a relationship-sense.
Germany: It takes practice, patience, and a little trust
me: Stupid trust. I hate that. I hate giving it to anyone anymore. I’m just tired of building relationships, of any kind. Friendships, romantic. All of it. I just want it to jump to the comfortable stage immediately. No learning. I just want to know the person.
But I feel like I’ve maxed out all that I need. I mean, it sucks that you’re so far away, but I just don’t want any more close friends than I have at this moment. Blargh.
Germany: Mkay… Then stop building relationships. Just kinda go with the flow. You’re so concerned with controlling your life that I think you’re stressing yourself to death. RELAX! Let people come to you. Give them a smidgen of trust, but not all of it. Build from there. Don’t try to make new close friends, you’ll just end up fighting it, even if part of you wants someone close. Just relax, let people do what they will, and worry about figuring out what you want out of life.
me: I guess. I dunno.
Germany: And realize that you can’t plan every little detail. Come up with a vague plan. Like mine was “Move to Germany”.
me: I wish my stupid brain didn’t prone towards stupid broken-ness that makes me depressed and crazy and stupid and self-harming if I can’t feel like I’m loved enough or in control enough….
Germany: Mine is too, dear. I just stopped sharing that part of my brain with people. I never got the reaction I wanted from people when I shared it. But that doesn’t mean I am not the same. But the control I let go of.
me: I think you’re better at controlling parts of yourself than I am at mine. I’m terrified that I’m not going to be able to handle a severe reduction in sex. I never have been before. It’s always made a side of me do dumb, stupid things that most of me hates.
Germany: Well… it takes practice and creative thinking. But you can do it. Look at how I was in high school.
me: I’m 24. I should not be as fucked-up as a high schooler. Obviously that means there is something horribly wrong with me.
And dad’s right. I’m a complete immature failure of a citizen.
Germany: No. That’s not what I meant. And you’re dad is a fucktard. I think you and I need to set up a Skype time sometime and we can talk a little more about this. But you’re not a failure. You just don’t really have someone to help you. I had to help myself. But I can help you if you want. You’ve grown up a lot. You have.
me: I don’t feel like it
Germany: Yeah, and sometimes you’ll feel like that. But that doesn’t make it any less true. You’re not in a dependent relationship anymore. You realize the signs of one. You are trying to get your life together. You cut out Stalker a lot sooner than you would’ve in high school (like Uniballer).
Germany: You have made steps towards adulthood
me: I’m actually not letting myself be cowardly with Jeff despite the fact of his intuitive understanding of me terrifies me.
Germany: See? And, by the way, that terror should also be accompanied with joy. It’s scary, but it means you found someone who knows you for you instead of who they want you to be.
me: It is nice being able to not have to put on that mask. It’s getting pretty tattered.
Germany: Yeah, your mask isn’t helpful.
me: It’s helpful with some family still. Mostly dad’s. And my stepdad.
Germany: Yeah okay, but your family is a special, fucked up case.
me: Heh. Yay.
Germany: Besides, what good is a mask when you can’t wear it because it’s too tattered. If you are sick of feeling this way, I can help. But you have to tell me that in your own words. You have to say, “Germany, oh bestest friend of mine, I am sick of feeling like I’m immature and loser-y. I want to change.”
Because if you don’t mean it and you want to stay where you are and complain, then I don’t want to waste both of our time, ya know? I don’t mean that in the harsh, heartless way it sounds, but still. If you want to improve and are willing to put energy towards it, I am always here and happy to help
me: Lmao. You mean stroke your ego at the same time then?
Germany: Har har. No. My ego needs no stroking.
Germany: Unless you want to 😉
me: Lol. Well, I’ll let you get to fixing food and eatin’ it. We’ll talk laters.
Germany: All right. You have a good rest of your day. And cheer up! Jeff likes ya, you got a job and a roof over your head, and a bestie who lerrrrvvvvves ya (even if it’s an ocean away)
me: Very true. Take care ❤
Germany: You too, dear. Buh bai ❤