5 months

I never thought 5 months could be a whole lifetime.

I never thought 5 months would haunt me for a lifetime.

I never thought 5 months could fit in a single shoebox.

I never thought 5 months would be so hard to forget.

I never thought 5 months would scar so deep.

I never thought 5 months could have love bloom so completely.

I never thought 5 months could cause heartbreak.

I never thought 5 months would be all I got.

Her name was going to be Cordelia.

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22 thoughts on “5 months

  1. kat

    oh, im so sorry. this is a horrible loss and i know how hard it is to believe it will ever be better. all my thoughts wishing you love and support. take care.

    Reply
      1. Grainne

        Backsliding is okay, my friend. You have a lot piled against you and you’re dealing with things just fine. xx Always here, and you’re never far from my heart. Just so you know.

  2. Surviving Out Loud

    I’m very sorry to read about losing Cordelia. I lost twins at 5 months. If you want to chat I’m here. I can’t tell you that it gets better but it does get different. Please take care of yourself.

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      Actually, it happened a couple years ago. I just can’t make myself get rid of all the stuff I collected during those 5 months. There’s just times during the year that it hits me like a brick.
      I appreciate your thoughts and I’m very sorry you had to endure a similar thing. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

      Reply
  3. ratty

    Hi there,
    Umm I have a question and I wondered if you or maybe one of your readers might be able to answer it
    I don’t have DID but I do have different parts, which hold different feelings, thoughts, and trauma memories. I also have anorexia.
    I have just had an idea which might explain why so far the ED therapy I have had hasn’t really worked.

    Question: do you think a trauma part (alter) can also be an eating disorder?
    I don’t think the eating disorder voice I here is simply a voice which I have attached to a ten foot very scary skeleton, I actually think it belongs to a trauma part, a toddler who is hiding in side the skeleton which is actually a puppet which the toddler can control to make themselves feel big and strong and powerful.

    I’m wondering if I’m right then its about working with the toddler part trying to help them feel safe and wanted instead of the ED therapy messages which say again and again the ED is bad, you have to get rid of it, don’t listen to it turn the ed voice down. I think this approach has just added to the traumatized toddler part I think they need to be listened to not shoved away
    So umm thoughts welcome please.
    I don’t have a theripest at the moment so cant ask.

    Ratty

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      First of all: Welcome! Please excuse the delay in my response. My life is a roaring roller coaster at the moment and I’m not on the blog much these days.

      Not to sound obnoxious, but let me go ahead and give a standard disclaimer that I’m not a therapist or mental-health professional of any fashion.
      But I know this can be a frustrating and difficult thing to discuss with anyone, so I most certainly want to validate you reaching out and asking.

      My short response is yes.

      The longer response is I have a similar situation myself. Victoria is where my ED issues are manifested/centralized. But a persons’ mind is an amazing thing. More complicated than a computer. I avoid dictating how anyone’s “parts” (alters, splinters, etc.) manifest. The inner field of the mind is a beautiful landscape that can look like anything. And I mean anything.

      It sounds like your little toddler does need to be heard. I would go to a safe space (a special room or outdoor area), perhaps collect some paper and crayons/colored pencils/markers, maybe some books, and invite your toddler out to express themselves however they need to. Make them feel welcomed and heard.

      Victoria is a very frustrating and negative part of myself, but she is a part and my ED has been a lot easier struggle (though still a struggle: ED tends to be a lifelong disorder) since I’ve invited her to feel included as one of “the gang” and express herself. She is still mostly negative in her thoughts and expressions, but she is much less self-destructive and understands that we are all hear to listen to her fear and frustrations and not judge.

      Please feel free to keep in touch. I encourage it! If you want to email me privately, my email address is under the contact button at the top of the blog.

      Lots of warm and safe thoughts,
      -Pen

      Reply
      1. Ratty

        Hi
        Thank you for taking the time to reply

        I have done a lot of work with the other kids inside with the use of play therapy and art therapy its being able to let them talk, to express themselves and most of all to be really herd and as you said with out being judged. And I think this is the key for the toddler ED part of me.

        However this isn’t going to be easy at all, because ED therapy seems to be about telling the ED voice that its wrong, or trying to turn it down or trying to stop the ED from taking things from you i.e. good things, and so because I had no idea the toddler was hiding behind the ED I think by using these methods I have just added to her trauma and all the old messages she has learnt.

        Right now she doesn’t trust me what so ever, which is totally understandable.
        The other parts of me don’t trust the toddler and they are in fact terrified of her, because she basically says all the things which the people who hurt us did, so they view her as an abuser.

        So I have a huge task on my hands somehow I need to attempt to gain the trust of the toddler and let her know I’m sorry for getting it so wrong but I want to listen and here her now, and attempt to meet her needs.
        Somehow I need to work with the others on feeling safe with the toddler too which is going to be difficult basically at the moment I’m pretty much asking them to trust an abuser.

        I know full well this stuff is going to take time I cant push them into working with each other or with me come to that but I think the key to reducing the ED symptoms is to work with the toddler, as a lot of the abuse involved food.

        I have tried several times to invite her out but right now her mistrust of me is to strong but I’ll keep trying and talking and apologizing for hurting her.
        Thanks for telling me about Victoria I apreciate it.

        And I agree the inner mind is or can be a wonderful place, I have an island where everyone lives and a few safe places on there too although the toddlar lives in a huge sscary manshion house overlooking everything. I hope one day she can start to feel a part of everything and not have the need to teryfie and control everyone.

        Take care and thank you again
        Ratty

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