I dreamed last night that Army found an entry from this blog.  And read it.  And thought I was a horrible liar and seriously disturbed.
Then I went even crazier trying to delete posts and edit them to try and appear “normal”.

What I find the strangest is why didn’t I just delete the blog entirely?  Why did I go through this whole modification plan.  It was obviously flawed.  Seriously flawed.

I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

The nightmare was terrifying and I woke up thinking the whole world could see through my mask.

I try so hard to appear normal.

(Note: I know I’ve been dramatically absent.  The holiday season has been hard mentally as well as time-wise.  My blog really is a secret from 99% of people I deal with in person, so I only blog when I’m safely alone and I haven’t been for weeks.
Doesn’t seem like I was missed much, but I understand the nature of blogging/blog-relationships and distancing.  I do the same thing myself.)

8 thoughts on “Nightmare

  1. vwoopvwoop

    yikes nightmares always seem to get to the heart of our true fears. *safe hugs if you want them*
    trying hard to appear normal is a serious burden. we learn it in childhood and i’m not sure how anyone could realistically expect us to unlearn it now, but maybe we can. i was about to say that you seem perfectly normal to me, but then i thought maybe that wouldn’t be comforting… 😉

    conspicuous absence from blogging seems to be a bug that’s going around at the moment. i caught it and still feel a bit off but i hope to enjoy a resurgence of blog health with the coming new year. i hope you do too. 🙂

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you for the hugs.

      I seem normal? Wow- not really sure how to take that. I know most of my friends are floored if they ever discover I struggle daily with crippling mental-health and issues because they think I “seem so normal”. So perhaps that mask is perfected nicely.

      I did notice I wasn’t the only one who had some lulls in posting. Whew!

    1. Pen Post author

      I understand. I’m the same way. I do appreciate being noticed though. Especially in such a safe way. That’s all I strive for ❤

  2. Aliz

    I noticed the absence but most blogs I follow are quiet at this time of the year so I just assumed it was common. I’m also new here so I don’t know when it’s okay to comment on a blog.

    That sounds like a terrible nightmare, I worry a lot about people finding me on the internet but never had a nightmare, it sounds awful, I hope you are better now.

    1. Pen Post author

      It is the holidays. I suppose a lot of us have better things to do. Or are struggling with the nature of holidays…

      It’s always okay to comment!! I welcome even one word!

      This blog being read by certain specific people is one of my big fears. It’s sort of ironic considering I started the blog to deal with some of my biggest fears….oh well.

  3. veva525

    Nightmares where a secret part of ourselves is “revealed” to another person are just the worst. This has happened to me a few times, and I think it’s just my subconscious’s way of dealing with fears and anxieties. And I think everyone’s been taking a break from blogging, myself included!

    1. Pen Post author

      Breaks are okay as long as everyone comes back ❤

      My subconscious needs to cut that crap out. It's scaring me a little too much…


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