Still feeling very low/suicidal, so all I can manage this morning is an emotionless list.

1. Sorry for blowing up the Reader yesterday.  My phone glitched and posted like, 12 copies of my “Feeling Low” post.  The original is all that remains now, so if you commented on/liked one of the copies, it got deleted.  Oops.

2.  Three puppies have been adopted now.  Including my two favorites (Red and Japan).  One puppy has been “reserved” to be adopted by this weekend coming up.

3.  Families who adopted the puppies have said they are doing good.

4. I’m going to Chicago this weekend to see my grandfather.

5.  With my father.

6.  In the same car.

7.  For six hours. (That’s 12 hours round trip)

8.  He booked us both hotel rooms (not the same one).  He won’t let me stay with my grandparents.

9. With the exception of one very lovely friend that I had a distracting late dinner with Saturday, I’ve been feeling very socially-distant.  I haven’t spent time with anyone else in over a week.

10.  Army hasn’t spoken to me since Wednesday night.

11.  I have no idea why.

12.  I can’t find it in myself to really care.

13.  I’m not exactly sure why I’m feeling so low/suicidal, except I just don’t want to be in this life anymore.  I don’t want to deal with these obstacles.  These difficulties.  These events.  These goals.

14.  I can’t find the strength to change my own life into something worth living.

15. I own too many suicide related movies.

19 thoughts on “List

  1. sortaginger

    Damn Reader, I didn’t even see the original post.

    I am so sorry you are feeling like this right now. I know exactly how that feels,so I am no example or font of ideas, just know I am there with you.

    Reach out to anyone, everyone. Start virtually and work your way up eventually. I am here if you need me.

    And yes, I know I am hypocrite by not taking my own advice. But that’s the way it goes usually.

    1. Pen Post author

      Hah. I think a lot of us are hypcrites. It’s okay. I think you’re awesome anyway.

      Thank you for your thoughts. I’ll try and do that reachy-out-thingy. I’m terrible at it too.

      Btw, you nails looks lovely this morning 🙂 Makes me think of the TARDIS on Doctor Who.

      1. sortaginger

        Thank you! As much as I say I am an anglophile, I still have not watched that (but I do know what the TARDIS is). I guess that can be on my to do list.

        And remember…manatee.

  2. Wanderer

    Hang in there, Pen, my dear. Have some puppy therapy with the remaining nuggets, watch some feel-good movies (I hope you have a few of those around) and like sortaginger said—know that you have people here for you, even if we’re only here in the blogosphere. Keep on keeping on, I know you are strong enough.

    1. Pen Post author

      Unfortunately, part of the reason for my blues is that my mother has Zoe and puppies right now. My apartment is empty of any companionship. Being alone suckssucksucks.

      I think I should pop in less depressing movies. Of course, my version is horror movies 🙂 The slashier the better. Or ghost ones. Those are my favorite.

      Thank you for your support. It means very much.

      1. Wanderer

        Bummer! Sorry you’re missing the puppies. Being alone when you’re lonely is harder than being forced to be around people when you’re lonely…if that makes sense…it’s how it gets me usually.

        Bring on the slashes and the splatters! Whatever works as a distraction or a pick-me up! You don’t have to watch rainbows and unicorns. Although I always find that Tangled puts a smile on my face…I’m 12 apparently.

        Best wishes, as always!

      2. Pen Post author

        Haha. I do like my Disney movies too. I would probably just implode with happiness if they ever made some sort of Disney-horror movie.

        Although I suppose parts of old Disney like “Snow White” come close. Did you know in parts of Europe “Snow White” was considered much too scary for children? It was actually considered akin to a horror movie in some countries.

      3. Wanderer

        Haha does Nightmare Before Christmas not count?? That would be a trip!

        I think you might have mentioned that actually! I know I thought the witch dying was pretty dang scary as a child.

      4. Pen Post author

        I completely forgot about Nightmare Before Christmas! Good on you!

        We did talk about Snow White before, didn’t we? I just thought I was having normal deja vu 😉

      5. Wanderer

        I still haven’t seen it—ooops!

        That’s okay! I’m beginning to have repeat conversations with people on a daily basis…22 going on 82 these days.

  3. kat

    Im sorry you are feeling so low and distant. Unfortunately, I am floating nearby in a raft sharing the same feelings, but on my own pointless voyage from which I too want out. I guess all we can do now is hang on and hope the current changes and our voyages take us somewhere different.

    1. Pen Post author

      Ahem. Sorry my reply wasn’t all that pleasant. I do appreciate your thoughts and I’m sorry you’re hanging out in this rotten sea of awful with me.

      ❤ ❤

  4. vwoopvwoop

    *lots and lots of hugs*

    you’ve been through things that at the time you thought might kill you, but miraculously, you did not die. this dark time too may come to be one you look back on and wonder how you made it through because it didn’t seem possible, or (as your post more specifically seems to suggest) worth fighting through.

    you have plenty of reasons to feel suicidal. your point 13 says you don’t know why you’re feeling so low, and i completely believe you, but from the outside it does not seem so surprising. you attended the baby shower and that dragged up a lot of feelings. you said army has not spoken to you since last week. you said zoe and the puppies are not there to comfort you. you said that you are dreading a long car trip alone with your father. these, to me, seem like a logical recipe for the distress you are feeling.

    you seem overly-critical of yourself right now, and you do not deserve the scrutiny. please consider being gentle with yourself, you’re hurting.

    1. Pen Post author

      You’re right, as per usual. Sometimes it’s funny how well you get me 😉

      It was just everything adding up and being alone (I am my own worst enemy) just caused very bad bad thoughts.

      I’m doing better now. A little worried about the Chicago trip still. But I think I’ll manage. It’ll work out.

      Trying to let up on that self-scrutiny…

      ❤ ❤


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