Beyond Frustration

After my last two weird posts, I did end up going to the doctor.  He got me in quickly because he wanted to check if I had other signs of a stroke or seizure.   Apparently I did not.

After that was ruled out, he became rather apathetic about my strange symptoms.  He did some more history stuff (we talked about my psych-ward stay) and he rearranged my meds slightly again.

And then yesterday I got hit with a baaaaad migraine.  Vomiting for hours, BP of 187/125 or higher.  Finally it started coming down in the afternoon enough that I could get an anti-nausea to stay down.  Called the doctor.  He did some more med rearranging and said to call if it got dramatically worse, otherwise he’d see me Saturday.

I just feel like I’m falling into this hole again.  Unsolveable, doesn’t respond to treatment.  I know the doctor is trying but I’m just starting to feel entirely frustrated and hopeless again.  My body seems to really be sure it should have this high pressure no matter what.  I don’t understand it.  I’ve been so good now for over a month on EVERYTHING, even food.

But now I’m feeling that ED nipping at my heels and curling around my head.  Stating that I’m too fat/ugly/disgusting and that’s why I have high blood pressure.  Of course the pills aren’t working.  I just need to lose this fat.  Just stop eating and the blood pressure will drop.  It’s not hard.

My mind is messing with me a lot.  I’m aware this is damaging thinking.  Not healthy.  Not normal.  But I can’t stop.

Nothing seems to be working and I don’t know where to turn to.

10 thoughts on “Beyond Frustration

  1. Grainne

    That sounds so awful…:( I’m sad that you’re having to suffer through more pain and discomfort on top of the rest of the things you have to cope with daily. *Hugs you* I wonder if you were having migraine auras yesterday when your face felt strange? I’m glad you got checked out by your doc. If you can, just lie down with a cool cloth on your forehead and close your eyes. xx

    1. Pen Post author

      Wow, that’s an idea. I didn’t think about that. It isn’t an aural-thing I’ve had before, but perhaps this is the standard now with the weird new meds.

      Cool cloth sounds good. I’ll get right on that after stupid work.

      Lots of hugs back ❤ ❤

  2. kat

    i hope they can get to the bottom of your high blood pressure soon! at least your doc is not giving up–he’s still seeing you fairly often to work on this, so thats something positive. good luck and hang in there.

    1. Pen Post author

      True. I do like him- I do. I just had this…I guess stupidly naive hope for a magic fix once I started seeing him. I kept hoping it was just the doctors I had. But it seems I really do have something weird going on.

  3. NotAPunkRocker

    Yikes! I am glad you went back to the doctor (again) but what a roller coaster ride.

    Yes, try to just zone out and lay down as soon as you can. I know, easier said than done, but it is a start.

    1. Pen Post author

      Crazy roller coaster. I just want to get off!

      Lying down sounds lovely. Unfortunately, first I have library books due!

  4. anxiouselephant

    I’m sorry that nothing seems to be helping, it sounds horrible and I really hope you get better soon. It’s good that you recognise the damaged thinking, please don’t listen to the thoughts about not eating. Sending lots of hugs, love and support your way xxx

    1. Pen Post author

      Thank you. I’m doing a bit better now. Meds seem to be working better. Sort of. Hopefully. I’m crossing fingers and toes and keeping positive.


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