Windchimes again

Perhaps this is what the warning was for.

Everything going sideways.

I think it was from Audrey.  I’m so sorry Audrey.  I’m sorry for everything that happened to you, for everything you went through.

I understand why you went away.

Sometimes I think about joining you.

Sometimes I think we should all join you.

But I know that’s wrong and bad.
It’s just…everything She did…everything She didn’t.
I don’t understand how it means nothing to Kit and Midori and Serefina.  We lost Audrey over everything She did.  Sweet, soft, gentle Audrey.  Audrey who only ever loved with every bit of herself as deeply as she could.
And all it did was hurt her.  And destroy her.

Then there was Cordelia.  Our darling. Our light. Our life. Two against the world.
…I didn’t know my heart could break this much.  And now the anniversary is approaching, rearing it’s ugly head and reminding us of all the ways we aren’t good enough.

Rika has a theory that Audrey and I are twinned (Shadow Dragon talks about that concept occasionally).  I guess I can see that.  It would explain why I only have felt like half of a whole since she’s been gone.

Maybe if I keep talking to her…if I don’t act like she is gone…maybe Audrey will come back.  She could come back and fix everything…

4 thoughts on “Windchimes again

    1. penpaperandcrazy Post author

      Whew. That was a mess. Claire doesn’t surface much anymore and this post is still too triggery for her to directly reply. Sorry we didn’t really drag ourselves out well and just didn’t talk to anyone in the blog-world for awhile.
      Basically a combination of relationship stuff and the miscarriage anniversary caused Claire to have this strange schizophrenic fit (Is that possible for alters within the system? I wonder….) and she wouldn’t stop talking to an alter of ours that isn’t around anymore. Both outside and inside the head. It was strange.
      Things seems to have mostly righted themselves. Sort of. Heh.
      Ah, the life of disassociation….

  1. Phoenix Rising

    I’m sorry you’re hurting, and things aren’t going well. I don’t know what’s happened, but I wish you didn’t have to go through this. Safe hugs for those that want them.

    1. penpaperandcrazy Post author

      Sorry for the delay in replying. Thank you. Claire isn’t really hanging around much lately, but I know your thoughts mean a lot. The safe hugs are well-received by those who will take them 🙂


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