Not Enough

Trigger warning: ED freakout and talk of self-harm

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A search that showed up in the blog stats directed the trigger from general freak-out into full-blown ED centered.

That of course means that I have the power now.

I can see the scars on my thigh from the last time.  I want to open them up again.  Draw those lines.  I want to remind myself.

F-A-T

I need that visual reminder.  So I remember not to eat all those cinnamon rolls.  I need to go to the gym with my coworker.  I need to get rid of all of this.

All of it.

The others forget.  I’m not “normal sized”.  I’m not “thin enough”.  There’s never enough.

I’m not enough of anything.

Image

Just not enough.

But don’t worry, don’t worry.  I’m going to make it better.

I am Ana’s strong will.  I am Ana’s icy breath.  I am Ana’s cold gaze.
I am Ana’s fierce determination.

-Victoria

13 thoughts on “Not Enough

  1. Bourbon

    We think you are enough, too. But I know that is not enough. I’m sorry you feel so badly about yourself but I can relate. Listening xx

    Reply
  2. Mental Mama

    Sorry I didn’t get to this yesterday. I hope you’re able to hang in there this weekend. Keep up the good work you’ve been doing and don’t let this trigger bring you down. Stay safe, and reach out if you need us. You know how to find me now – don’t hesitate to do so.

    Reply
    1. Pen Post author

      It was a rough weekend, but not as rough as I thought it would be. I didn’t have a lot of internet access, so I was limited by what I could reply and respond to. You words mean a lot thought ❤

      Reply
  3. Pingback: Breaking a promise | pen, paper, and crazy

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